i will write a book no one will understand.

or so i hope.

who will publish me? i'd rather be an author than a writer. anyone can be an author.

::thinks:: i want to author kids. no i dont!

fooled you. if we fail, we can have it annulled. we can claim immaturiy. i believe my religion teacher said that one can.

shiny hair. i will delete all these posts because i feel fake. tell me if you feel it too.

i think zen buddhism is just a bunch of doodes who are kinda.... intellectually apathetic. i think satori is reached one comes to the full understanding that one will never know anything until you die so live until then. i guess satori is like.... being content with your ignorance.

understanding that is easier said than done. or maybe you arent supposed to understand it. maybe you're just supposed to be so numbed out by potato-peeling that it just gets absorbed into your skin.

An American seeker: "If you follow any way, you will never get there; and if you do not follow any way, you will never get there. So one faces a dilemma."

Hisamatsu: "Let that dilemma be your way."

WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN HISAMATSU???? i will ponder this until i get it.

if i could be a manic depressive, i would.

JUST STOP ALREADY. YOU'RE SUCH A GREAT FUCKING IMITATOR. rugmuncher.

i learned that word from a canadian producer.

there are weirdos in this world. so get caught up in drugs. hold on.

i am a conformist. i am not unique.

i dont want to die not ever having said anything profound.

i dont think that will happen--and so i surround myself with people who i think will better/scar/shock the world. people who i think will make a difference. cuz god knows im not.

i want to be remembered. i want to be remembered and immortalized, but i dont want to set myself up for disappointment when i fail to do this on my own. so i attach myself to as many intelligent and talented people as i can. my free ticket to fame.

i am pathetic. pathetic, pathetic, pathetic. i settle. you know it. i dont mind being remembered as the great so-and-so's (insert relationship role with so-and-so here).

ignominious.

i want to curse at something.

OH GOD. i love fonts.

Thoughts are unhealthy.

that made me feel pretentious. so here: thoughts are unhealthy.

when people offend me, i start thinking about why i was offended. sometimes, it starts leading into an assertion of how im so much better than that person (as i think many other people do), but if i notice, i try to get past it and down to the real reason why i was offended. usually, im offended about the things people say because they are true.

eh, i dont know. i was offended just right now, and my mind went through this whole thinking process of why i was offended and whether or not it was right for me to feel like it. i just spiraled down to the whole "why-should-i-care."

i think this is what makes it difficult for me to have reactions to bad things. its like this:

1. bad thing happens
2. initial retaliation reaction
3. thoughts
4. confusion of thoughts
5. indifference

and this all happens in less than three minutes, i think. and i ponder over why i dont care for the next 30 minutes or so until i find food. ha.

the only thing i feel real about is being narcissistic.

damn. spicy dinuguan.

ow fuck.

what did i used to type about before, anyway? for some reason, life seems much more exciting then, even tho i failed to write about the really, really exciting parts. maybe i am writing myself out? maybe i should start doign something more challenging like proper grammar and punctuation?

well im sitting here doing nothing. blogging, obviously. and thinking about how typical this blog is getting with every passing day. i feel like an attention whore. bleh. madonna was supposed to teach me stick today, but she had to finish her photography final. and he's doing his logic hw. i havent heard from hanna for days now. i miss her. i wanna paint hollywood red with menstrual blood.

man, im such a loser now. no one ever invites me to go out anymore and i finally actually do wanna go out. unlike before where i just didnt damn well care. it's like i've forgotten how to "kick it." maybe its for the best, seeing i'd probably do something crazy now that i can drive.

im everyone's friend but nobody's homie. i should go study. speaking of studying, i didnt finish my government exam yesterday, skipping a page and a half of math analysis today, half a page of trig. the only thing i feel great about is w. lit which i finished with minutes to spare.

i find myself shaking my leg a lot which kinda annoys me cuz i used to be the only one i knew who didnt do that.

this was a crappy post and i dont expect you guys to read it.

you know, im still not over the deletion of my other blog. shit. it was.... a year and 8 months old. ugh ugh.

oh well, we must learn how to forgive.

and i guess this is a good new beginning.

it could have been worse. he could have damn well deleted the whole thing. ::sigh::

ok, i will start blogging soon--as regularly as i used to.

here we go. im still kinda miffed at the deletion of my other blog.