his laugh renews me.

the picture changes frequently. to suit my mood. to suit my mood. and right now, this picture appeals to me the most.

i have a headache.

i am such an ass sometimes. i read people's blogs or xangas and i think, damn, these posts are so moronic. i used to blog about what this person is blogging about when i was 14/15. i dont know why that pisses me off. but i think it makes me an ass.

oh please, please, please. someone ask me what i think about them!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SOMEONE PLEASE. i will tell you what i think about you. i dont know if you will care or not, but i need to get it off my chest. and i think it will look badly on my part if i approach you, telling you what i think about you. so i beg you, anyone who is reading this. ask me what i think about you.

see? i am such an ass.

eman, play chess with me. dont say you dont feel alert. you dont need to feel alert to play with me. i think you'd still be better. so just stfu and play chess with me.

::sigh:: i feel good. at chess, i mean. right now, anyway.

dont mind that awkward google thing up there. i will take care of it later.

just trust. i think we all should just trust.

trust what? pleasant smiles on wrinkled faces.

is it dumb for me to trust a book because the writer is a man with a wrinkled face and a pleasant smile? all he wants is to help people.

what about you? do you want to help people?

i dont speak in riddles. i just unemotionally document the voices in my head. i tried "observing" today, like the man advised. for five minutes. FIVE FULL MINUTES. it was so hard. i was being urged to twitch.

it's hard to read a book, pause, then take notes. but it's quite charming. it has personality.

im thinking about enrolling at gcc this summer. but it means missing a class for three sessions.

maybe it's not a good idea. i wonder why i like to feel rushed or pushed to my limit.

i need to buy linen paper. off-white. maybe creme. and then i'll distribute my resume.

yes. sounds good.

i'll be your mirror. the world will be my mirror.

she threatened me because she was so kind. oh dear.

i didnt work out today, by the way. and i had a feta sandwhich, creme brule and tres leches and strawberry mousse. creme brule so thick i could feel the fat gloss my lips. and then i had pork cutlets and ribs and thai barbeque.









at least im not starving.

ok, starting today, i am going to start eat right.

starting tomorrow (ha-ha), im gunna start to exercise.

I SWEAR. so this means going to sleep before 10.

i will shower now. and all that other good stuff. and today, is a chill day.

ok t.s. eliot is pretty clever. and random. at times.

lol, also, on a very funny side note, yahoo now has 100mb of space available. they just had to be able to compete with google's 1000 mb. yahoo, you are dumb because even tho you gave me 96 more megabytes, you arent letting me sign in. so i hate you.

i was hot, checked the temperature, put my hair up, and am now no longer hot.

what should i have for breakfast?

i went out last night. with him. i must remember.

so i stay up to read that book ucr assigned me. it's charming. very charming. i went to sleep at around 1-something. i climbed into bed and couldnt stop thinking about those incestuous cannibals. ARGH. wrong turn, people. the movie.

im watching this movie called the luzhin defence. its about this chess grandmaster who falls in love. i turned my head and this lady seemed to hand this man a glass dildo, saying, "it's beautiful." i laughed in my head.

ok so back to my almost sleeping story. so i couldnt stop thinking about the incestuous cannibals so i kept tossing and turning. so i debated for about ten minutes whether or not i should get up. then i had to think about what i would do when i got up because i was borderline sleepy. so i took a piss and then got a glass of water. and then i just chickened out and woke up my sister. jeez. what a big help that was. i could only fall asleep after i heard my dad using the bathroom at 4:30 to get ready for work. i felt safe then. but then i woke up as my mom and sister were about to leave for work and school, respectively.

it was horrible.

my mom says my skin is "sick." she is most definately referring to my influx of acne.

i really hope i dont have adult set acne. that would just blow.

why does it never save my settings. dagnabbit.

oh yeah, im having a hard time deciding which image i should put up there and no one wants to help me. so... uhm, yes. help me decide, people i care about.

[edit 2:59]

i have lumps in my breasts. do not know if they are cancerous, yet.

[end edit]

man, oh, man.

now that i've graduated from high school, i can say mean things outloud that i've only said to myself inside my head.

i am starting to look like a fat man. kinda like arlene and catherine.

damn, why oh why.

eman grabbed me the other day. grad night day. it left a bruise and i was pretty damn upset. after he left i just started to cry. eh. and then i got pretty angry. i was pretty set on not forgiving him, but then i started to think about it a lot. and due to the oxytocin and vasopressin and the opiate-like chemicals, i just couldnt let go. so im thinking... and this is pretty recent thinking, guys, if i cant seem to rid myself of him, or rather cant gather the resolve to... and i actually genuinely desire to stay with him, why make it difficult? i get pretty pissed sometimes, tho. we are both pretty upset with each other for different reasons and we cant seem to agree on who wronged who first, but when we're not thinking about those things, general things are pretty fun and decent.

but i wonder if he will do it again.

i hope hanna, jorge, eman, my sister, and i go out on wednesday. i think it will be good for all of us.

i have these godforsaken bug bites on my left arm. wtf man. five of them.

i made a resume. i need a job. my resume is very nice and i like staring at it for prolonged periods of time.

ok i need to shower and sleep now. ta.

ok ok ok. so here it is. insecure people search it through and through for all the mean (but oh-so-true) things i say about you (and there is plenty--but not enough). oh, please do. it was meant for you to read. but please do not contact me. i do not care.

i am not as sad as i make myself out to be.

i think i may have ADD.

and, no, those rhymes were unintentional. really.

i feel somewhat better today. the desaparecidos aren't all that bad. i found a couple songs that were pretty good.

because i feel inspired, i will be writing more in a couple of days and you guys will see how incredibly dysfunctional i am, but i wont care because i will be wallowing in self-importance like a lot of you already are.

and for those of you who think i may dislike you greatly, please check often because i will probably be proclaiming exactly why i dislike you if you dont know already.

and for those whose company i genuinely enjoy........................... good day to you!

i graduated today.

i feel icky. i shouldnt let people ruin me. or my day.

the end.

hello old friend. i have missed you. so many new things up in the hizzouse. so many stupid things i slightly shake my head disappointingly at.

i am graduating tomorrow. i am graduating tomorrow. i am graduating tomorrow. i am graduating tomorrow.

i dont feel excited at all. i dont feel very happy. i feel slightly--i feel as if i miss something.

ARGH. I need to stop typing in all lower case. Looking at it irks me now. It just isn't right.

I don't feel brand new, like I think I ought to feel.

It was supposed to be cathartic. Why doesn't it feel cathartic.

I'm supposed to feel clean and new and refreshed.

But I feel held back and weighted. I need to be zen, perhaps. No one reads this, but why should you? Perhaps I should clean. Maybe cleaning and throwing away things I don't need will help me feel purged.

Ok. On to it, I suppose.